Forgetting
by silver six
Summary: ChihiroHaku: it's been four years since Chihiro's visit to the bathhouse, and Haku has not kept his promise. Chihiro finds that forgetting is easier than remembering, and she never speaks his name. what is haku's side of the story? angst. fluff. plz R&R!


Fan-Fiction: Spirited Away: One-Shot: Chihiro/Haku: Four Years Later

Disclaimer: I do not own Spirited Away or its characters, and I envy whichever lucky cheesecake does. Enjoy!

Chihiro had had this dream before. She had dreamed this same dream every night for a week, and by now it was familiar, if not comforting. She was falling from very high up, and she recognized the fields and forests beneath her, drawing closer every second.

Over four years ago she had made this same descent, but the difference between then and now was that back then she hadn't been alone. But this time she was the only one to be falling, with the air rushing past her and the ground coming up fast, with her tears being snatched from her eyes and into the air above her.

An aching loneliness filled her, tearing at her heart; she missed the person who had fallen with her more than four years ago, a friend, and an ally in a place where trust could mean death. She missed him with all her heart, and as she watched the trees draw closer, she wished, as she had wished every night for the past week, that she could see him once again.

Sunlight streamed in through her bedroom window, illuminating a square of floor littered with clothes and books. Chihiro turned and squinted at her alarm clock; it was already 11:30am. She sighed and swung her feet over the edge of the bed.

Why now? she thought to herself. Why am I thinking of this now? It's been over four years. I've barely thought about it since I wrote it down.

She reached over to her bedside table and picked up the notebook, tattered and worn from its time stuffed in her closet among old clothes that no longer fit and books she no longer read. She had written in everything, down to the taste of the berry that had kept her from fading away her first night at the bathhouse.

She reached out again and scooped up the shoe that had lain beside the notebook. A little pink shoe, dirty and worn from its time in the river. Then she felt at her wrist and found the hair-tie that stayed with her even when she slept. These three things were all she had left, the only proof it had ever happened, and it wasn't much as proof went. There had been times she had considered getting rid of them, throwing them away. It would have made forgetting easier. Memories were so painful. That was why she had hidden the notebook and the shoe away in the first place. But after she had had the dream for the first time, a week ago, she had gotten them out again.

Chihiro scowled and, tossing the notebook onto her pillow, dressed and hurried downstairs. There were many reasons she had wanted to forget it all; the fear she had had of never seeing her home again, the desperate need to survive in a world that was so strange to her.

And there was one person, one memory that hurt her the most, so much that she had never once spoken his name in the four years that had passed, not even to herself. Remembering the broken promise, the weeks of waiting with baited breath, was too painful.

Forgetting was better.

Her mother was in the kitchen, cleaning the breakfast dishes. A piece of toast lay on the table; Chihiro snatched it up and stuffed half of it into her mouth at once.

'When are we going to go school shopping for you, dear?' her mother asked. 'School's only a week away.'

Chihiro groaned inwardly. 'Not today, all right?' she said. She wasn't quite ready to face the reality of grade ten, and it didn't help that her mother kept reminding her of it. 'I'm going out.'

'Where to?'

'A friend's house. Sen, remember? We'll go to a movie or something; I'll be back for dinner.' Chihiro darted out the door before her mother could object and unlocked her bike from the garage.

She sighed and wondered what she would really be doing for the next six hours. 'Sen' didn't actually exist; Chihiro had made her up in order to get some time to herself without her parents having to know exactly where she was going and who she was going with. She carefully avoided thinking about the fact that Sen had been her name once.

Forgetting was better.

Chihiro rode aimlessly through the streets of the town, past shop windows that held things she didn't care about, past the houses of people she'd never met. she couldn't remember where she was, which way was home. She rode for hours and never realized how long she had traveled until she reached the far edge of town.

She skidded to a halt as she found herself in front of the last building before the forest swallowed up the road. It was a shop selling souvenirs, with Technicolor posters hanging outside and a neon sign in the window proclaiming that the store was OP N. Chihiro sighed, locked her fence to a no parking sign, and stepped inside.

The light was dim, and it took a moment for Chihiro's eyes to adjust. She blinked, and saw rows of chest-high shelves holding magazines, t-shirts, postcards, the whole shebang. A young woman sat at a counter in the back, reading a worn-out book.

Chihiro wandered down an isle, her eyes passing over hand-held mirrors, picture frames and hair-ties. She reached up and fingered the one that held her ponytail in place. She was glad she had kept it, though she felt a pang of sadness every time she looked at it. Reaching down, she picked up one of the mirrors and stared at her reflection.

Chihiro had changed in the four years that had passed since that day. Her brown hair was longer, streaked with dirty blonde from her time in the sun. Her eyes were still brown, her cheeks still ruddy. Her body had changed; she was no longer a scrawny ten-year-old but now most definitely a young woman.

She set down the mirror and glanced around at the metal shelves, eyes passing over things she neither wanted nor needed until something caught her eye. On a shelf that held dozens of plastic and metal figurines was a single silver dragon, three inches long, holding a tiny glass ball in one of its taloned paws. Chihiro picked it up, keeping her mind carefully blank as her hands passed over the fanged mouth, the wide, staring eyes, and the miniscule scales.

They got it wrong, she thought. The arms are too short and the teeth too long. And the scales—

She remembered the feeling of the snow-white scales under her body, soft and dry… but no. she refused to recall the person she had forced from her mind for over four years. Remembering was too painful; she had learned that her first few weeks back from the bathhouse.

Forgetting was easier.

She set the dragon down, perhaps harder than was necessary, and strode out of the store. The girl behind the counter never glanced up from her book.

Chihiro unlocked her bike and sped away from the shop, not towards her house but into the forest. She avoided contemplating where she was going, refused to admit she was going back after over four years; she thought only how to get there… if it was still there, after four years.

Haku sat in Yubaba's office staring at the paperwork before him. The words swam before his eyes; he couldn't concentrate. Then again, he never could. Running a bathhouse was not easy, as he had found when Yubaba had died two months ago, leaving her son still too young to inherit the bathhouse. That meant that Haku was in charge. And he hated it. He had no time to spend with his few friends among the staff, and little time out of this cursed office. But that wasn't the worst of it.

He watched Chihiro whenever he could, in the bowl of water he used as a scrying pool. He had seen her writing down everything that had happened while she was at the bathhouse, and then… nothing. No sign that she even remembered him or Rin or Yubaba or anyone. She never spoke his name, never even thought it. The notebook lay in her closet, forgotten except for the few times she flipped through it, wrote a few more words down. In it were full descriptions of everything, everyone… except him. He was mentioned, fleetingly, for his part in the events that had happened, but no more than that. He wondered sometimes if she had forgotten him, and that was why he hadn't gone back. At first he had been busy trying to convince Yubaba not to kill anyone, and then with other things.

But now… he didn't know if he could bear finding that Chihiro didn't remember him, hadn't cared enough not to forget.

Trees flickered past as Chihiro rode faster and faster on her bicycle. She knew that this was the road they had turned off of, but she had tried six of the dirt roads that branched off of it, and none of them had been the right one. All of them had ended, in KEEP OUT signs or wooden fences or gates that led up big old houses. It was almost 5 o'clock. She had time to try one more road.

She stopped in front of an overgrown dirt road. Could this be it? It looked somehow familiar, under all the extra branches and twigs. Her heart gave a painful throb as she thought of seeing it again, the statue, the tunnel… but she had to know, had to know if it was still there. It could have been torn down to make way for a house, or a road…

Chihiro plunged into the undergrowth covering the road. She pedaled furiously, branches hitting her face, thorns tearing at her pant legs, knowing that if she stopped she wouldn't have the courage or the strength to keep going. She could hardly see what was ahead of her, wouldn't know if she was about to hit something—

And suddenly the forest opened up onto a clearing. Chihiro slammed on the brakes and skidded to a halt. She stared for a moment at the glade in front of her, then tumbled off her bike, letting it crash to the ground, and strode forward to stand in front of the strange little statue that she had found so frightening the first time she saw it. Slowly she reached forward and traced the outline of a hand, then looked beyond the statue to the tunnel beyond it, dark and foreboding.

And suddenly all the memories and thoughts she had kept walled out of her mind for four years came flooding in—the feeling of flying, of falling, of finding her first friend in a hostile world, of knowing she would give her own life to save him… and finally the realization, after weeks of hoping, that he wasn't coming back.

Where are you? Where are you?

Chihiro felt her face grow hot, felt rage bubbling in her stomach. Hands shaking violently, she drew back her foot—

You promised we'd meet again. You promised you'd come back.

'HAKU, YOU IDIOT!'

—and kicked the statue with all the strength she could muster.

'HAKU!'

Haku's head whipped up, paperwork forgotten in an instant—the voice echoed in his head, piercingly loud and achingly familiar.

'Chihiro?'

In an instant he was out of the office, running as fast as his legs could carry him.

Down the stairs…

People stared as he whipped past; Rin called his name, but he didn't stop.

Out the door, over the bridge…

Clothes and hair fluttered as he passed. He shoved people out of the way when he couldn't move through the crowds.

Through the shops…

He had to find her. He had to see her again. He had to.

Chihiro slumped to the ground as pain exploded in her foot. She clutched as it with both hands, using the physical pain to distract her from the emotional. Her heart felt as if a wound, barely healed in the four years of forgetting, had been ripped open again as she shouted her friend's name. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pretend that the only pain she felt was in her foot. 'Haku, I'll kill you,' she whispered.

'Chihiro?'

She looked up; her hands still clasped around her foot, and gasped.

Haku stood in the doorway to the tunnel, staring at her as though he couldn't believe his eyes. He looked the same, perhaps taller, but still the same Haku, down to the stony resolve behind his aqua eyes. The hard, severe look had been there for as long as Chihiro had known him, but now as she watched a strange thing happened. As he stood there, dark hair ruffled from his dash through the bathhouse, some of the ice seemed to melt.

'Haku,' she breathed, and scrambled to her feet. But as she put weight on her injure foot a fresh stab of pain shot through her leg and she toppled sideways. Haku caught her hand. He pulled her to her feet and, keeping one arm under her shoulders so she wouldn't fall again, carefully lowered her to the ground and sat beside her.

'What's wrong with your foot?' he asked as Chihiro held her foot tightly between both hands.

'Nothing,' she said from between clenched jaws.

He raised an eyebrow. She sighed and let him gently pry her hands from her injured foot, biting her lip and wincing as he lifted it into his lap. Haku inspected her toes, red and bruised, as his eyebrows rose progressively higher on his forehead. 'What did you do?' he asked finally.

Chihiro felt a flush rising in her cheeks and didn't answer. She felt a cooling sensation start at the tips of her toes and spread up to her ankle and looked up to found Haku staring intently down at her foot, as tendrils of white fire laced from his fingertips and over her toes, slowly erasing the bruises. Eventually the white fire returned to him, disappearing into his hands, and the cool feeling ebbed away, leaving no trace of the biting pain that had throbbed in her foot moments before.

Haku sighed and released her foot. Chihiro stared at it as though it were someone else's, wiggling her toes experimentally.

'…Well? What did you do?' Haku asked a second time.

'I kicked the statue,' she said quietly, embarrassed.

'You what?' His eyes sparkled, and a hint of a smile twitched the corner of his mouth.

'I kicked the dumb statue, all right?' Chihiro's flush deepened as Haku smiled—actually smiled.

'What did you do that for?'

Chihiro's brown eyes suddenly sparked in anger. 'I was mad,' she said shortly. I still am, she thought bitterly.

'At who?' Haku asked, uncomprehending.

'You.'

The smile, which had been fleeting to begin with, vanished from Haku's eyes, and his face closed like a book, though when Chihiro looked closely, she could see the hurt she had caused. '…Why?' he asked softly.

'Because you broke your promise,' she said harshly. 'You didn't come back.'

Haku stared at her, and Chihiro saw agony behind the aqua walls of his eyes. 'I couldn't come back,' he said. 'Not right away. Yubaba flew into a rage when you got away. She almost tore the bathhouse apart. It took us weeks to get her under control and fix what damage she'd done.'

'A few weeks,' Chihiro repeated. 'Haku, it's been four years.'

'I looked for you,' he said, 'after things died down. I watched you in my scrying pool. You never spoke about it, not even to yourself. You wrote it down in that notebook and then threw it in your closet. You never even thought about the bathhouse.'

'How do you know that?'

Haku kept his eyes on hers, searching for some sign of forgiveness. 'It… doesn't matter. Chihiro, I couldn't bear to come here looking for you, and find that you'd forgotten everything.'

They were silent for a moment, and Chihiro looked away.

'It hurt so much,' she whispered. 'Remembering was too hard. So I tried to forget. But last week I started having these dreams that I was falling, like four years ago, except you weren't with me. I've had that same dream every night.'

'I never…' Haku's voice trailed off. 'I'm sorry,' he said softly.

'Yeah,' said Chihiro, smiling a little. 'Me too.'

Haku watched, eyes gentle, as Chihiro slipped her foot back into her sandal, but quickly composed his face into a calm mask as she looked up at him.

'You're wearing nail polish,' he observed.

'So?'

Leaning in closer, he inspected her face. 'And makeup, too,' he murmured after a moment, his voice deadpan.

Chihiro shrugged. 'It's part of growing up.'

'You've changed.'

Another shrug. 'Yeah.'

'Spirits never change,' he said quietly, almost to himself it seemed.

'But you have changed,' Chihiro protested, leaping to her feet and extending her hand to Haku. After a moment he took it and let her pull him to his feet. 'See? You're still taller than me, and I've grown five inches.'

His eyes widened. 'You're right. But I thought—'

She grinned. 'It doesn't matter.' Then her smile slowly faded from her face. 'Haku…'

'Yes?'

'You're… real, aren't you?'

He frowned. 'Why wouldn't I be?'

'It's just…' She smiled sadly. 'This happened to me a lot, the first few weeks. I'd come here and wait for a few hours, maybe read a book or draw or something, and a few times I'd look up and think I saw you, standing right here you were today.' She pointed to the tunnel.

Haku stared at her for a moment, stunned. She'd come here and waited for him? For hours even? But… why?

Chihiro looked as though she were about to cry. 'But… you're real this time, right? I'm not imagining it?'

He took her hands and squeezed them gently. 'Do I seem real?'

'Yes…!'

'Then I am.' He smiled.

'But Haku…'

'What?'

She stared at him for a moment, taking in the faint sparkle behind the aqua walls of his eyes, and sighed. 'You haven't changed a bit, Haku.'

As she smiled at him the aquamarine walls came crashing down and Haku became suddenly aware of the little distance there was between them. He released her hands, clasping his own behind his back, and looked towards the tunnel. 'I should be getting back to the bathhouse…'

Chihiro's eyes lit up like lanterns in the night. 'Take me with you!' she cried, stepping forwards eagerly. Haku stepped back. For a moment she had been very close, almost touching him. He felt disconcerted; uncertain of what would happen were they to touch again.

'You can't,' he said shortly, attempting to rebuild his lost composure. 'It's too dangerous.'

Chihiro's eyes sparked and she took another step forward, forcing Haku to stumble backwards again. 'It wasn't too dangerous the first time,' she reminded him.

'That was different. If I had had my way I would have taken you back across the river the moment I knew you were there.'

Hurt crossed Chihiro's face as she stepped forward again and Haku stepped back. 'Why?'

'I just… I don't want you to get hurt, all right?' He stared at her for a moment longer, memorizing her face… 'I have to go.' He turned and made for the tunnel.

'No!' She couldn't lose him, not again. She flung herself forward and threw her arms around his waist, as though a small human girl could hinder a river spirit.

Haku froze and they stood that way for nearly a minute, Chihiro clinging to him as though he would disappear the moment she let go. Then Haku sighed and reached down, gently prying Chihiro's hands from around his waist. The aqua walls were gone, and he made no attempt to keep the calm, distant aloofness he maintained around everyone else. Keeping a hold of her hands he turned to face her and stared intently at her as he spoke. 'I will not be gone forever. I would never leave you alone for that long. You might hurt yourself, after all.' He grinned. 'Now that I know you have not forgotten it doesn't matter how many times you lose faith in me, how many times you doubt. I will always come back for you, Chihiro.'

'What if you can't?' Chihiro asked softly. 'What if someone makes you forget who you are again? If you'd lost your memories you wouldn't know to come back.'

'Of course I would,' he replied, eyes intent. 'Even if I forget everything, even who I am, I could never, ever forget you.'

Suddenly Chihiro too was aware of exactly how close they were; of his face inches from hers, and where their hands formed a connection between them. 'What are you saying?' she whispered, feeling his breath on her lips.

'I'm saying I love you,' he replied, and kissed her gently. He released her hands and drew her closer, placing one hand on the back of her neck and deepening the kiss.

After moments that seemed to stretch into hours Haku drew back, smiled at Chihiro one last time, and disappeared into the darkness of the tunnel. 'Don't forget, Chihiro. I will always come back. Always.'

Review please! It doesn't matter to me what you say, or if it's really short or anything, I just like hearing from people who read my fan-fictions (something—anything!) Constructive criticism is always welcome, especially how to get my characters more… in character, but no flames please. Thanks for reading!


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